Hello, hello:

So, this space has been pretty dead lately and for good reason:

We've had our hands pretty full the last couple of weeks. I've been busy, exhausted, and a million other things. It's been so much harder this time around but things are finally starting to die down a little (knock on wood) and I am feeling more like myself again.

So be prepared for some major updates coming your way. Because we have a lot to tell you about!

New reads:

We have a tradition at our house, as I'm sure most of you do, of a bedtime story. We snuggle down after bath time and disappear into a great story. It's a tradition I'm hoping will continue as our family grows (you should see my list of books). Story time is one of my favorite parts of the day and I love sharing my love of reading with M.

Our local library is participating in 1000 Books Before Kindergarten and we are on board. It's a super simple concept: you read books to your child and keep track of what you read on paper. When you reach 1,000, you get free books. We're already close to 100 and we've only been keeping track of them since January so you'd be surprised by how fast it goes. I think it's a fantastic way to promote literacy and really great for those goal-oriented kids because they get to see their progress.

We've been checking out tons of new books from the library lately with plans to purchase our favorites for our home library. Here are some of the ones we've read lately:

1. Dream Animals -- Such a cute story about dreams. The illustrations are beautiful. Hands down, my favorite of the bunch.
2. Wolfie the Bunny -- Wolfie (a wolf) gets adopted by a family of bunnies. It's a great story about mixed and nontraditional families.
3. A Sick Day for Amos McGee -- Amos McGee, a zookeeper, gets sick and can't go to work so his animal friends come to him! Again, gorgeous illustrations and such a sweet story. We really liked this one.
4. Snoozefest -- A sloth goes to Snoozefest -- like a musical festival but for sleeping. Adults will appreciate the clever comparisons to real life. Or, at least I did. 

I fell out of the picture book circle sometime in early elementary school. Things have changed so much and I hadn't realized. The classics are still there but there are so many special stories out there. It's been a real joy discovering them all.

Starting solids:

Now that little M is 6 months old (can you believe it!?!), we are preparing to start solid foods. Per our pediatrician's recommendation, we decided to watch for his cues to determine when he is ready to start. Lately, he has been waking up more frequently to eat during the night, watching us closely as we eat and drink, and trying to grab everything as it makes it's way to our mouths. So, the time has come. And as much as we are excited to help introduce him to the world of delicious food, I'm a little nervous about what this means for our diaper-washing routine and daily schedule. I felt like we were just settling into a really good routine and now things are changing. I guess that's the nature of children and parenting in general, though. Blink and everything changes.

Anyway, we have been on the hunt for the perfect high chair for a while now. We really wanted something that fit our lifestyle. Our criteria was:

1. Made of wood (even better if it's sustainably sourced).
2. Doesn't look like a clunky, plastic high chair (no bright or pastel colors, baby animals, or weird patterns -- we try to keep things that are very "fisher-price" to a minimum in our home).
3. Slim, with a sleek profile since we are a little short on space in the kitchen/dining area.
4. Has the possibility to alter and grow with our child (we don't mind paying more for an investment piece that we will use for multiple children and beyond).

If you know me at all, then you know I spent countless hours researching, reading reviews, and crunching numbers. In the end, we decided on the Tripp Trapp by Stokke.

It's made of solid wood, has a sleek, modern look, and can adjust to accommodate a 6-month-old infant up to a 300 lb. adult. The reviews were nothing but stellar and many people have had theirs for years. One woman bought hers in the 70's and used it for all her children and now her grandchildren are using it. 

We decided to go with red because we love the bright pop of color it adds to the somewhat neutral color palette of our home. We also picked up the matching baby set which is designed to be used for younger babies until they can sit unassisted. 

The cost of the chair was $318 (with the baby set) and at first I was hesitant because it seemed like a lot for a high chair but then, like every other big purchase we make, I broke it down. Since it's designed to grow with the child, let's say M uses it every day for the next five years. That's 1,825 days. When you divide the price of the chair by the number of days he'll be using it, it's only 17 cents per day. And if he ends up using it for longer or if we use it for any additional children down the road, it's even more cost-efficient. 

We also recently purchased a diaper sprayer to add to our arsenal because with solid food comes a whole lot of extra. Nothing looking forward to that. Cloth diapering is about to get a little messier.

Now that we're armed with these new weapons, we're ready to take on the world of food. We've read up on the nutritional benefits of each fruit and vegetable, we have all our baby-food-making supplies, and we're ready for the challenge.

Baby's first ornament:

I've been on the hunt for the perfect baby's first Christmas ornament for a few weeks now. I don't really know what I'm looking for, I just know what I like when I see it. That pretty much means looking at every single ornament out there. It's hard work, let me tell you.

I've managed to narrow it down to a few different ones. Here are the front runners:

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We are leaning towards the bear ornament but there are so many options, I'm having trouble deciding. I think about my first ornament (and all my other childhood Christmas ornaments) and the fond memories I have seeing them on the tree every year, and I want little M to have wonderful memories of his childhood Christmases like that. It makes it hard to choose. Suddenly, it seems like a huge responsibility. I have to make the right decision but I feel torn.

Photo project:

Every week since M's birth, we have been taking a weekly photo of him. We've committed to this project for the entire first year of his life. And it has been such a fun way to document this special time in his life.

We dress him in a white onesie and a white diaper and lay him down on a different fabric each week. It has been so much fun to plan each of these little photo shoots. I've been picking up yards of bright-colored fabric since before his arrival (see here). I usually haunt the clearance sections of our local fabric stores and a few choice websites, so I'm able to grab multiple fabrics at a bargain.

After we take a few dozen photos, I edit them, photoshop the week onto his onesie, and add them to our growing collection. Now that we're almost halfway through this project (!!), I'm starting to plan what to do with all this fabric when we've finished all 52 weeks. 

The plan all along was to cut each of the fabric up and make a quilt for little M for his first birthday. I think it would be such a sweet little gift -- something that will grow with him his entire life. I can see it on his bed as a toddler and I can see myself packing it away in a box to send with him to college. I can see him cuddling up in it for story time now and wrapping his own children up in it later on. I really want it to be an heirloom piece for him -- something he carries with him as a reminder of how much his mother loves him. I can't wait.

I am thinking about using the rest of the fabric to create a "happy birthday" banner for him, too. I like the idea of having something that we can break out each year to celebrate his special day.

I realize that whatever I do for him, I will have to do for any additional children we may have but I'm having so much fun with this project that I really don't think I'll mind. In fact, I look forward to it. I like having an excuse to buy lots of fabric. Apparently, my mother's fabric hoarding has rubbed off on me.

Baby bump:

I took a photo of my belly every day while I was pregnant with every intention of making this video to document my experience. And then M showed up and life with an infant got underway. Now here we are 5 months (happy 5 months, M!) later and I'm just now getting around to sharing this.



But better late than never, right? And what a great way to look back and remember. I know it's only been 5 months but I have already forgotten so much. I have another video that I've been working on but at this rate, I'll be happy if I get it done by M's first birthday.

You got this:

The Honest Company, a brand I love for so many different household products, is doing some great things out there. Besides donating to families in need, they've started an online community where mothers can go for support. They made a series of videos called You Got This -- videos where real moms sit down and discuss those nagging little thoughts and doubts that you have but feel like you can never voice. And trust me, I really needed to hear these things this week. Maybe you do too.

They're fantastic and beautiful and I loved watching them. Already I'm finding that motherhood can be so isolating. A lot of the time I feel that needing help makes me seem weak and admitting I have insecurities and doubts makes me, in some way, inadequate or less of a mom. I'm still trying to figure this whole thing out, who I am now, and how this new role will fit into my life. It's hard and worrying about making mistakes and being judged by others, especially other moms, shouldn't even be a thing we concern ourselves with. It's time to turn things around and help motherhood to be this great unifier -- automatic access to a support system of awesome women who can help us when we need advice, a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to tell us that we're doing a good job.

Share these lovely videos with the mothers in your life. And know that you're doing a fantastic job. You got this.

Cloth diapers: a love story:

Can we talk diapers for a second? Because since the birth of our little man, it has become a topic of great interest in our house. I love diapers (I'm probably alone in my obsession), specifically the cloth variety. I don't think this is a shock to anyone as this has been well documented (see here). And while I've mentioned my love on more than one occasion, I don't think I've ever gone into detail about how we landed here, what we like, and why. So, bear with me, I'm about to go all diaper nerd on you.

No one in my life used cloth diapers. I thought (like everyone else) that they were old fashioned. And then I did my research and learned that they have come so far since diaper pins and rubber pants. 

What started out as 6 white Bum Genius Elementals has turned into a colorful stash of super cute fluff. I have enjoyed this researching, discussing, and purchasing journey so much. Here is what I've learned:

We decided on 24 as a good number of diapers -- enough that we wouldn't have to do laundry every day but not so much that we wouldn't ever use all of them. We are almost to that number now and it has helped make me very conscious about what I buy and bring into our home. I don't get carried away and buy things because they are on sale or a cute color/print. I buy what works best for us so that our stash is the best it can be (it also happens to be very cute). One of the major reasons we started using cloth diapers was to save money and having a limit on how many diapers we purchase helps us stick to that goal. I've found it's very easy to get carried away otherwise. 

We decided to buy one of a few different brands and see what worked best for us. Almost all of them have been great. There are a few that I'm not crazy about. The great thing about cloth diapers is that they have great resale value so I can sell the ones I don't love to make room for more of the ones that I do. Cloth diaper swapping is a real thing. And it's awesome. I don't feel bad about taking chances on new brands any more because I know if I don't love it, someone else out there probably does and will gladly take it off my hands.

It took us a while to figure out our setup but now that we've been at it for awhile, I feel pretty confident that we've found the sweet spot. Granted it's different for everyone, but here is what works best for us:

We use one size all-in-ones for day time diapers because they are easiest to change, there's nothing extra to keep track of, and there's no folding or stuffing (I hate stuffing). Just take the old one off and put the new one on. Done and done. We like snaps on our diapers but my mom, who keeps M during the week, really likes the ones with velcro tabs. We have both and haven't had problems with either. For night time diapers, we use fitted and covers (both with snaps) because they are more absorbent.

We currently have 21 all-in-ones. Our favorites are Blueberry Simplex, Bum Genius Elementals, Tots Bots, and Smartbottoms. We also have 3 hemp Pooters fitteds that we use for night time, and 3 waterproof covers.

We keep all the clean diapers in a cart by the changing table (dresser with changing pad) and hang a wet bag on the other side for dirty diapers. We use cloth wipes (see here) and a bottle of water for cleaning. Those go in the wet bag with the dirty diapers and they all get laundered together. 

Speaking of laundry, we do a load of diapers every other day. I throw everything (including wet bag) into our front-loading HE washer and run a heavy-duty cycle: cold pre-rinse, hot wash, extra rinse. We really like Tide Free and Gentle powder detergent and have had no issues with stink or ammonia. We dry everything (except the covers which get air dried) on medium for one hour. Sometimes the fitted diapers need a little extra drying time after that initial hour but I usually take them out and let them air dry the rest of the way.

Our cloth diapering adventure has been a very enjoyable one for me. I would recommend it to anyone with diapering in their future. I've got a few tips to make it easier:

1. Buy one of a couple different kinds of diapers to experiment and find what you like. Once you know what kind you like best, try different brands. Not all brands fit the same way or have the same absorbency. Once you find what works for you, buy more of those.
2. Make sure you take the time to properly prep your diapers. Sometimes one wash/dry is enough but if your diapers are made of natural fibers, it may take longer. Some of ours took 5-7 washes before they were prepped. Don't skip this step unless you want leaks. The more you wash, the more absorbent your diapers will be.
3. Decide what you want your diapers made out of. We like natural fibers (organic cotton, bamboo, hemp) but those diapers are a little more costly. Some people use microfiber and it works just fine for them. Some kids have sensitivities to man-made stuff. Some kids don't like the wet feeling that natural fibers give them. It's all trial and error.
4. Find a good cloth diaper safe rash cream. I like California Baby, the green tube of Butt Paste, and the Grovia Magic Stick.
5. Get a good diaper sprayer to install on your toilet. I believe this is a vital step to cloth diapering success, especially once solids are introduced. There are a lot of options on the market or you can DIY one yourself.
6. Sometimes using disposables are necessary: traveling (we like Grovia covers and disposable/compostable liners for travel), rashes, illness, etc. That's okay. Do the best you can.

Sorry to get all weird on you. That tends to happen when I get started on the subject of diapers. Before M was born, I had no idea I'd be so into what goes on his bum. It's a strange thing to get excited about, I know. I guess I'm just an odd bird. 

And we're back...

Sorry for the radio silence, people. But I am just now feeling like I have a handle on things around here. And now that things have settled down a little, I'm ready to rejoin a world populated by adults. So, in an effort to catch you back up, here's what you missed:

1. M was diagnosed with silent reflux. I'm told it's pretty common in infants and his is a mild case so he will probably grow out of it in a few months, but it's still scary. Some nights I lay there worrying about whether or not he is going to suffocate on his spit up. Needless to say I don't get much sleep on those nights.
2. We experienced our first of many rounds of immunizations at M's two month appointment last week. He cried, I cried, Andrew cried. It was rough. We gave him lots of snuggles and he came through it like a champ.
3. He's over 12 pounds now (a super chunk) and is finally fitting into his cloth diapers. And let me tell you, I don't think I've ever had more fun buying something that it going to be covered in poop. Seriously, it's more fun than buying shoes. I might be just a little bit obsessed.
4. We've had many visitors over the past two months: Andrew's sister, his mother, and his brother is coming on Friday. We have loved getting to spend the summer with family and introducing little M to the world.
5. I've been trying to work on the house while I'm home. I had huge plans to get a lot done. So far, I've fallen short on just about all of them. I can only really tackle things during nap time and to be honest, I'd rather be napping too. So, that's what happens most days.
6. We had M's newborn pictures done and are in the process of deciding which ones we want. It's so hard when they are all so stinking cute. But unless we want to spend his entire college fund on photos, we've got to make some decisions.
7. I'm back in the running groove. I took almost 6 months off (I walked during that time) so getting back up to the level I was at before has been really difficult. Not to mention the summer heat is oppressive. I'm up to 4:1 intervals and working towards increasing my speed and distance before October. Soaring Wings Half or bust!
8. Andrew got a promotion and a new office. He's now a Senior Web Developer and I couldn't be more proud. He works so hard!
9. M's sleeping through the night now. He has been repeatedly giving us 8-9 hour stretches for almost a week now. As someone who needs a lot of sleep, you have no idea how happy this makes me. Now if we could just get him to go to bed a little earlier at night...
10. M's started smiling now. And it is the cutest thing on the planet. He is changing so much, it's unreal. I try my best to soak it all in every single day. Last week, I bought him some clothes for next summer (during the end of summer clearance sales) and I had to buy 12-18 months. I cried.

I'm trying to figure out this whole schedule thing and how to do the things I used to do and still make time for my little man but it's difficult. Maybe I need better time management skills. Maybe I need to give some things up. Maybe I just need to have patience. Probably it's all of the above. Just hang in there as we resume our regular programming.

Our birth story, part two:

As promised this is my (Andrew) recollection of the events that occurred on Thursday, May 29th. 

In light of Meghan having a reasonable amount of pain Tuesday night I decided to work from home Wednesday, May 28th. I knew that the arrival of little Mr. M was eminent and I didn't want to risk being 30 minutes away when that time came. To me the whole ordeal of deciding to go to the hospital and the drive there was very calm and well-timed. I remember walking into the living room:

"Still timing the contractions?", I asked.

"Yes", she said.

"How many minutes apart?"

She replied, "Three to five."

"Ready to go to the hospital?"

"...Yes."

So we packed up our hospital bag, slowly got into the car and headed west.  It was all puppies and rainbows until we reached the hospital. That's when Meghan's contractions began to get so intense that she had a hard time speaking through them. So as Meghan mentioned before we were placed in triage, walked forever and then were finally admitted. One thing that I really liked about triage was our nurse, Melissa. She was pregnant too. For some reason this brought me a lot of comfort. 

After being admitted, I had a rough time. We hadn't yet reached the part where Meghan could get the good drugs so I had to just watch her struggle. Even worse still, she began to convulse and shake a lot under the stress of the pain and anxiety. It's difficult to watch someone you love endure these sort of things. Even worse when the ability to help does not lay with you. Finally, our delivery room nurse, (I'm sure they have official titles) Terri, gave Meghan a healthy dose of Stadol.  She almost instantly looked better. Like she does after having a margarita. Relaxed and a little slap-happy.  When the anesthesiologist entered I thought, "Finally, an end to the bulk of her pain!" He was a very nice man. It turns out we both knew a prominent family in the town I grew up in. Small world. 

A funny memory I have in the middle of all of this is during one occasion when Terri was checking to see how far along Meghan had progressed. She said, "It looks like there's meconium in your fluids." Not good news; he can't stay in that polluted environment for much longer. After she left the room Meghan said, "Great. He pooped in me. The one thing I asked him not to do."

Things progressed normally from that point on.  Labor did stall out at 9cm and we were told we needed a c-section. I couldn't process it. Meghan and I hadn't even talked about the possibility of a c-section. I knew it had to be done for the sake of Meghan's and M's health.  It all happened so fast. We were both suited up in our surgery attire. They let me follow her to the double doors that lead to surgery. I had to wait outside until she was prepped. 

Silence. I was standing in front of several large events that were about to change my life and it was completely silent. Approximately 2:40 AM and there was not a soul around. I could hear the wall clock tick from a ways down the hall. I had a dry mouth and a tight stomach. I looked at my watch. 2:42 AM. 242. I remembered this as my first dorm room in college. -- before I'd even met Meghan years ago. From there I did the classic life-flashing montage of our lives together. At the end, I found myself there in a cold silent hallway. Waiting too long to be back with, what I consider, the best parts of me. 

"Ka-thunk!" 

The double doors opened and I was invited in. A new anesthesiologist led me through the doors, helped me tie on my mask and sat me down next to Meghan. Then surgery began. As I watched her body be jarred and jostled (from the chest up) by the surgery happening behind the curtain, I struggled with finding something to talk about; something to help distract her and pass the time. I knew she couldn't feel anything and that she was mostly out of it so maybe the talking was for my benefit as well. The surgery was over in a flash. Imagine making a sandwich. How long does that take? Two to five minutes maybe, depending on your ingredients. I'm telling you, the c-section was performed faster than that. Faster than any sandwich I've ever made. 

Silence again. For a brief moment, everyone was silent. Then a little raspy cough and a cry. Our baby boy made his debut. I couldn't see anything. I heard his little cry. I heard the NICU nurses suctioning fluids out of his orifices and looking him over. Dr. Owens said, "He's beautiful!"

Then they handed him to me. This part was different then I had imagined it. I was told that there is an overwhelming flow of unconditional love that overcomes you. This was true. I did feel this way but it isn't the feeling that stands out. I remember holding his little body for the first time and looking into his almond-shaped eyes. And I thought, "I know you." It wasn't that I'd spent the last several months listening to his heart beat or talking to the kicks in Meghan's stomach. I knew his face. It's something that has been etched in me from my very beginnings. He's always been a part of me and now I'm finally able to meet him. How wonderful it is.

You can read about our birth story from Meghan's point of view here.

Our birth story:

We've been MIA lately. But we have a good reason: baby M is here! Born May 29th at 2:55am, 8 lb. 1 oz., 21 inches long. He's perfect. And we've been spending all our time snuggling him, catching up on sleep, and figuring this whole parenting thing out. Taking care of a newborn is no joke, you guys.

Andrew and I both had very different experiences of baby M's birth. So we will be telling it from both our perspectives. Here's mine:

On Tuesday, May 27th, at around 9:30 in the evening, I started feeling kind of funny. I had cramps and a backache but didn't think anything of it because I had been experiencing these off and on for weeks. Nothing timeable, just sort of a constant ache -- just enough to be annoying. So I did what I always do: relaxed on the couch, drank some water, and went to bed. Usually when I felt like this, if I went to sleep, it'd be gone when I woke up in the morning. But this time I had a hard time falling asleep and when I woke up around 4:00 in the morning, it was still there. Not really any stronger and still nothing that I could time. But it concerned me that it was still there, over 4 hours later. So I called the Labor & Delivery unit at the hospital and spoke to a nurse about what I was experiencing. She told me I was probably in the early stages of labor and to take some Tylenol, drink more water, and wait it out at home. So that's what I did.

I was able to get back to sleep and finally woke up around 9:00 later that morning. I moved back to the couch and tried to make myself as comfortable as possible. Andrew stayed home from work to be ready in case anything happened. We just laid low the entire morning. I watched some TV and had a sandwich. Andrew worked on some things from home.

Around 11:00, I felt like things were starting to change. The uncomfortable feeling I had been dealing with since the night before was starting to feel different -- more like waves of cramps. I could definitely time these and they were coming between 6 to 9 minutes apart. It wasn't consistent though and not unbearable so we decided to wait and see if it changed at all.

By around 1:00, the contractions were more consistent and coming about every 4 to 6 minutes. So I called the hospital again and they said to wait it out if I could. I was afraid of going in to get checked out and then being sent home. So we waited until around 2:30 when things were starting to feel pretty uncomfortable and then we decided to go in. So we grabbed our hospital bag, called my mom to come get Tillie, and off we went.

We got to the hospital at around 3:00 and checked in. While we were in the car, my contractions were coming less than 4 minutes apart and I felt every single bump in the road. I remember the long walk to Labor & Delivery and thinking that this could be the last time we did anything just the two of us; that the next time we walked down that skybridge again, we would be three instead of two. It all felt very surreal.

When we checked in, they sent us to triage where they got me hooked up to a fetal monitor and told me to just wait and see what happened. So we watched a little TV and talked about anything and everything. I was only a 3 when we got there so the nurse suggested we walk around the unit a little to help jump start things. So we did. For 1.5 hours. 1.5 hours is a long time to walk period but try doing it while the size of a whale and contracting every 3 to 4 minutes. Needless to say, it wasn't fun. Things went okay at first. I was able to move pretty well and we were keeping a decent pace but by the end, I could barely walk. My contractions hurt so badly; each one left me feeling light headed and seeing spots. So we finally made our way back to triage and when the nurse checked me again, I was almost a 5 so they decided to go ahead and admit me. We were so excited. We started texting friends and family. This was it. No going back now. Show time.

We got settled in our room and they took my blood, hooked me up to an IV, and gave me a little something to take the edge off the pain until I got my epidural. It was amazing. Seriously, it felt like being drunk. I felt slightly groggy and silly. Shortly after, the anesthesiologist arrived to give me my epidural. It didn't hurt nearly as bad as I had anticipated and gave me instant relief. Whoever invented the epidural should have some kind of statue erected in their honor.

We spent the next few hours just hanging out. Time passed so quickly. I remember looking at the clock and feeling like the hands were just spinning around. Hours felt like minutes. And every time the nurse came in to check on me, I had made progress. Everything was going perfectly. I think she even used the term "textbook". We were on our way! Our son would be arriving soon!

Then I remember starting to feel really nauseated. I was shaking uncontrollably and I didn't know why because I wasn't cold. And I started to get really tired and kept going in and out of consciousness. It was hard to keep my eyes open and focus on anything. People kept talking to me and I had a hard time concentrating on what they were saying.

Sometime after midnight, the nurse came in again and said that she had been watching the baby's heart rate on the monitor and while it was normal for it to drop during each contraction, it was taking a long time for it to come back up. So they gave me oxygen and kept an eye on it. I was dilated to 9 cm at that point. She came back again and I was still at a 9 and still experiencing problems with the baby's heart rate. She started throwing around the word c-section.

Finally, the doctor came in (not my doctor, who was out of town at the time) and looked things over and finally told me that she thought the baby was in distress and that the best course of action would be a c-section. I remember being so tired and having a hard time processing what she was saying. I heard c-section and knew what that meant but was so out of it I didn't really have any other thoughts or reaction. I just said "okay".

So they started prepping me for surgery. I remember drinking some really gross stuff and putting on a hair net. I remember them wheeling me out of the room and down the hall. I remember Andrew's mask and gown. I remember the operating room and the bright lights. I remember telling myself that I absolutely had to wake up and pay attention because this was the birth of my son and I didn't want to miss it. 

They made Andrew wait out in the hall while they got everything set up. They put up a curtain and placed warm towels on my arms. They kept pressing something cold on me and asking if I could feel it. The anesthesiologist kept giving me a play-by-play of what the doctor was doing and what I could expect to feel. Then they brought Andrew in and he sat right by my side. His face looked so nervous and unsure. I don't really remember what we talked about but we talked the entire time. I just kept my eyes on his face. And that's what we were doing when we heard our son. He coughed a little and then started crying. It was such a tiny little voice. I smiled at Andrew because it was all I could do. 

They cleaned him up and brought him over to Andrew to hold while they stitched me up. I remember looking at his tiny little face but I was so out of it I don't remember what I said or what I thought. It was just like "there he is". Once everything was done, the doctor leaned over, told me he was beautiful, and congratulations, and then they moved me to a bed and I got to hold him on our way back to the room. 

Once we were back in our room, I finally got to eat. I chose Cheerios. I watched them give him a bath, do his footprints, and do other tests. I didn't get to hold him for a long time. Then they put him in his little bed and we tried to get an hour or so of sleep. I was completely exhausted. I don't think I've ever been more tired in my life. 

Looking back on the whole experience now, I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I'm glad things happened like they did. Obviously something was wrong and I feel that a c-section was absolutely the best decision at the time. He's here and we're both healthy and that's really all that matters. I am grateful that everything went smoothly. I realized things could have been much worse. But on the other hand, I feel a little cheated. I didn't realize how much it mattered to me until afterward. I didn't get to see my son be born. I didn't get to see him take his first breath. I didn't get to hold him right away. Andrew didn't get to cut his cord. I feel like I missed out somehow. It's something that I'm trying to come to terms with but it's almost like I have PTSD or something. When I look at my incision, I feel like it's a battle scar that I earned or something but also, it scares the mess out of me. I'm almost glad I was so out of it when they broke the news of a c-section to me because I didn't really understand what was happening enough to be scared. If I had, I'm sure I would have cried like a baby the entire time.

For Andrew's take on the whole experience (and get ready because it's very sweet), click here.